Social Challenge
Parenting is one of the hardest things we do. It is a social event in that we are interacting with other people; our children. But it is also social because we are training our children how to interact in a socially responsible way. I have included below a discipline program that I sometimes give to parents as a way to start making changes. I give it to you to consider new ideas in your parenting. Reading this does not substitute for good counseling or parenting classes, but it is some ideas. This is written up as a contract between parent and child. It explains all the details of the agreement.
Discipline Program
In order to have a more peaceful household and to teach my children proper behavior, attitude and self control so that they may grow up to be responsible and happy adults I am going to put into effect the following discipline program.
A. Part One – Nurturing - Parents will actively build up the positive self image of the children and energize positive behavior and attitude by:
a. Making the first several minutes of every interaction only positive.
b. Highlighting the healthy behaviors and qualities that you wish to enhance.
c. Recognizing and acknowledging success and self control when the child is not breaking any rules. Put a lot of positive energy in little successes.
d. Making a request using “I need you to…” not “Will you…”
e. Make requests of things she’s already doing to guarantee success of obedience, than put a lot of positive energy into the success.
f. Focus on the fact that the more rules not broke the more success she has.
g. Parents are to spend ample time in family and one on one time without mention of any bad behavior. Parents must have the attitude that good behavior is the norm. Family time is when the family plays games, eats dinner, or does activities together at home with no TV or computer.
B. Part Two – Limits – Parents will create clear and consistent rules and consequences in the following procedure:
a. Discuss rules and expectations with everyone present when everyone is calm and attentive.
The children are expected to:
i. Have no violence (yelling, slamming, throwing)
ii. No inappropriate talking or behavior
iii. Obey school, and bus rules and parents at first request, or respond verbally if obedience is impossible
b. Consequences will be either
i. Time out
ii. Discipline task
c. Either consequence will be given with very little emotional energy by the parents. This means; no yelling, no lecturing, no lengthy conversation.
d. Parents will emphasize the fact that the children can choose to never be disciplined; they have the choice by choosing to follow rules and expectations.
C. Consequence Procedure:
a. When expectations are not being met adult will give a warning. “This is one warning if you do not ________(begin to complete expectation) by the count of three you will be disciplined. 1…2…3”
b. If the child chooses not to heed the warning the parent will give a time out or discipline task.
c. Behavior that hurts others or is known to be wrong does not receive a warning, but is disciplined on first event.
d. For Time out
1. Remember the effective part of a time out is the loss of attention and energy from the adult. Do not contaminate time out with attention, conversation, lecture, emotionality. The perception of time out is the important thing.
2. Adult says “You are in Time Out” and turns away from the child.
3. If there is something holding his attention parent removes it with no talking (game, turn off TV, etc.)
4. The child sits or stands whenever she is for 30 seconds to one minute, as determined by adult.
5. During this time the child must remain quiet and still. Crying is his choice but violent acting out is an additional infraction.
7. Immediately after the time out is complete the adult returns to the positive energy of acknowledging and expecting successes.
8. Withholding a privilege for a designated length of time is also a form of time out; “time out from TV for two days” or “time out from computer for a week”
e. For discipline task:
1. The task will be something that will take less than ten minutes (for younger children), but length of time for the task will increase as the child ages. The task will be a chore that is not a regular part of the child’s routine such as cleaning kitty litter, cleaning a kitchen draw, cleaning the toilet. The parent will teach the child to do the task if they have not been taught prior.
2. If the child chooses to not complete the discipline task immediately they do nothing else until the task is complete. All privileges and activities are withheld until the task is complete. The child chooses how long to remain in this grounding.
3. If time does not allow the task to complete immediately (i.e. it’s time to leave for school) the grounding and task continues when the child returns home.
4. If the child refuses to complete an expectation that must be completed to go on in the day (like getting dressed) the parent is to assist the child in completing it (without emotional or verbal assault) and the child receives discipline, which may need to be completed later.
5. If the child chooses to be grounded beyond bedtime by not completing a discipline task she will pay the natural consequence of being tired the following day, but the discipline task must be completed.
6. Crying during the chosen grounding time is the child’s choice, but violent acting out is an additional infraction with an additional warning and discipline task to be completed after the first task is complete. Do not add more than one discipline task to the original. In other words; no more than two tasks in a row.
7. Parents are to have list of chores readily available.
8. Parents do not explain in the heat of the moment.
9. Parents are to remain calm. (Remind yourself that their behavior is their choice).
10. Once a discipline task is complete the child’s slate is clean, do not mention that incident again, parents return to the positive energy of acknowledging and expecting successes.
C. Reinforcement Procedure
a. For every day that she meets expectations she will receive ______________(hugs and kisses)
b. For every week that she meets expectations she will be allowed to ___________________ (special small purchase or special time)
c. For every month she meets expectation she will be allowed a special purchase/or activity within parents parameters.
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Do you sometimes feel lonely?
Do you sometimes feel overcommitted?
You need to balance your social needs with the rest of your humanness to prevent burnout.
You are a social creature.
By our human nature we need to be around other people. This is on a spectrum. Some people love to be around people a lot, others prefer to be alone often. But even those who prefer to be alone need other people.
They may not need to be in large groups or be in the spotlight, but they need people. Maybe they only need two or three good friends. Friendships give us the support and connection that we need to be fulfilled.
But we’re not just talking about friendships here; we’re talking about contact with people in general. Helping others helps us feel good about ourselves.
Caring for others is caring for ourselves. Volunteering, either on your own or through an organization, is a great way to make social contacts.
It also takes the focus off yourself. It’s easy to get enveloped in self; self pity or self righteousness. We tend to be egocentric.
Helping others gets the focus on someone else. We stop thinking about us and that’s good when balanced.
There are those who take care of others to the neglect of their own needs, that’s not healthy helping. We call that codependency.
Healthy helping is always balanced with caring for self. Healthy self care is always balanced with helping others. Here I present one idea you may want to include in your program on wellness.
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I will be presenting new ideas regularly either my own or one I pick up here or there. Check back for new ideas often.
You can get more ideas from many self help books, my book on the Resources and Services Page .
If you want help setting up a wellness plan from a psychologist, I can be your consultant and helper in your self help journey. Visit the Resource and Services Page for this help.
Visit the Quiz page for online quizzes to understand yourself better.
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